Second Time Around

My second chemo treatment was yesterday and the good news is that I
was only there from 9:00-3:30 which is quite a bit less time that my
first chemo treatment three weeks ago. I guess there were a couple
factors at play that made it go by faster. First there were less
patients and second since I didn't have any adverse reactions during
my first treatment so I think the drip was faster. Either way it was
good news for me. I got home early enough that I got to see my kids
before crashing in bed!

I am more nauseated this time which is not a complete surprise. I have
heard it both ways that treatments get harder as you go along, the
doctors don't agree but every patient says that it is the case. I am
of the belief that with your body already weak and full of drugs
having another treatment on top of it brings on harsher symptoms. I
guess the doctors see it as they aren't giving you stronger drugs each
time so it should be the same.

I am a little frightened of one of the symptoms they keep checking
for. A side effect of my chemo drugs is numbness in your fingers and
toes that NEVER goes away. The chances of this happening grow with
each treatment. If you are praying for me could I be so bold as to
ask that you ask that I not get numbness or loss of feeling in my
fingers and toes. Of all the symptoms and side effects I can't imagine
not being able to feel with my hands or balance with my toes. It
really has me scared. I am fine so far but I still have six weeks to
go.

I have so many thank you notes to write but I am afraid my "chemo"
brain has kicked in big time (you may be able to tell from this post
just how dumb I have gotten, unless Fredia proof reads it, then maybe
the secret isn't out yet). I hope that you all know how much I love
and appreciate you and all you do for me and my family. I wish I
could individually thank each of you and I probably will throughout
the months ahead as I regain some brain power. Please know that you
have made this journey easier and more pleasant with your kindness,
service and love. Thank you especially for taking care of my babies.
I am not the mom I want to be right now and so many are filling in for
me that my children are adjusting and expanding their circles of love
too and I have been able to see them grow. I appreciate that more
than words can express.

Someone was teasing me recently that when I am drugged I get all
lovey. I guess that is true. Hopefully that is something I can hold
onto even after the drugs wear off though because it is something I
need to say more often. I love you! Yes you! You know who you are and
you know how you have blessed my life. Thank you, thank you, thank
you!

P.S. This took me an hour to write. Pathetic Chemo Brain

Liberating.....maybe

 I am not going to lie, it is an adjustment suddenly having no hair. I
was well prepared for it to happen and I think I have handled it well.
I mean, why did no one tell me how cold your head gets without hair
on it? Maybe it had something to do with the freakishly cold May
weather we had today but my head was cold all day and my poor ears
about froze off my head!

I guess I should back up a bit. As of two days ago my hair started
coming out. It wasn't in great big sections or anything like that.
Anytime I ran my fingers through my hair I would end up with a good
15-20 strands of hair. But going through my hair once didn't solve
the problem, no matter how many times I ran my fingers through my hair
more hair would come out. Not only that by my head was sore. Having
hair actually made my head sore. It felt like I had had my hair
pulled up tight all day and had let it down and then messed it around
. But that was the constant feeling. Now that I don't have hair it
doesn't feel that way anymore.

So, when you see me next don't be surprised by my rockin new hair do!
~Rachelle

Toxins

I had an appointment at the oncologist yesterday afternoon when they
tested my toxicity. My level was at 1.8 and it needs to stay above 1
so for now I am doing alright. I am not sure if it is hard to drop .8
or if it fluctuates easily but for now I don't have to worry about it.
The end result of my appointment was that they told me my levels were
okay and I ended up getting four new prescriptions. Ugh...as if I
don't have enough already. I shouldn't complain, at this point the new
prescriptions are to help with side effects of the chemo so it should
make me more comfortable but I am getting tired of taking a handful of
pills everyday. Also at my appointment my doctor unofficially told me
that I will only need to do one treatment cycle (three chemo
treatments) of Chemo which I am very relieved about. The bottom line
is I will do everything I can to eliminate any risk of getting cancer
again so if they say I need more I will but for now I can't help but
be relieved! Chemo is just no fun!
 
My hair is hanging on but I will probably not have it longer than
another week. I am okay with that. My next post will probably be
about being bald though so be prepared!

 ~Rachelle

Chemo Days 2-5

They warned me that days 2-5 would be the hardest and most
uncomfortable. Strange how even when they say that I am surprised by
it in the end. Yes, Day 2 is a blur. I am not sure what I did or how
I felt to tell you the truth. I think that is probably a good thing
but it also probably means that my body was just dealing with what was
going on. Then Day 3 rolled around and I was really tired and a bit
shakey. I took a four hour nap when I got home from Sacrament meeting
but I didn't think that was so bad (I mean, I like sleeping). Then
Day 4 blew me off my feet. When they say "bone pain" it doesn't
really register but I am here to tell you that bones can hurt. Now on
Day 5 I think the bone pain is getting a bit better, that or I am just
getting more used to it. I don't know, but whatever it is I will take
it.

The side effects have started. My hair is getting ready to fall out.
I was told that before it comes out it loses it's body and texture and
sure enough my hair is pretty much plastered to my head lifeless.
That's okay. I think I have given my kids fair warning that it is
going to be gone soon. Of course when I reminded them again, one that
shall remain nameless, told me that she would laugh at me when it was
all gone. Opps, did I say she? Well, secret is out I guess. I told
her that was fine. She could laugh, if it makes it easier for the kids
to deal with they can even call me cone head! Not that I am going to
offer that up as an option, but if they come up with it on their own I
guess all is fair.

I did have a favor to ask. Warm showers have really helped with the
discomfort but at the same time the warm water exhausts me. Does
anyone have a shower chair I could borrow? I know it is a strange
thing to have laying around the house but I thought I would ask before
I sent my Mom out to the pharmacy to buy one.

I have had several angels helping me this week and I want to thank
them though I don't know how many people actually read my post. I
have been to tired to feed myself so people have been feeding me. I
have also not been able to take care of my children and there are
people taking care of them and watching out for them. Thank you so
much. It means so much that I don't have to worry about my sweet
little children and I know they are being taken care of and having a
great time too. I am honestly afraid that when I do finally get
better they are going to be bored with me and want to go back to their
friends houses! It is a very real possibilty, y'all need to stop
showing me up ;)

~Rachelle

Chemo Day 1

 
My appointment at the Utah Valley Regional Medical Centers Oncology
department was set to begin at 9:30am. Well, as has been the case
lately it was late. I got in around 10:30 which means I had an extra
hour to sit and stew over what was going to happen. There were two
patients already in beginning their treatment that I tried not to
stare at but I was just so curious about how they were doing and if
they were going to turn purple and fall out of their chairs or
something. Luckily for all of us there was no falling out of chairs
or change of colors! The way that the treatment room is set up makes
sense but I never would have thought about it. There are ten chairs
set up in a horse shoe shape facing a wall with a somewhat one way
glass window that the nurse sits behind getting treatment ready and
can see all of us to make sure we are doing okay but when we look at
the glass we see her silhouette and a reflection of what is out the
windows above and behind us. That poor nurse must think that we all
like the top of her head when we are really trying to enjoy the day
through the windows reflection!
 
When it was my turn to get started the nurse had to find a decent vein
(after surgery and all these tests it has become slim pickings!) which
happened to be the one at the bend of my arm. She got the IV started
and then had to go over paperwork and have me sign consent for
treatment. Then the first pouch was added to my IV, benadryl, there
are so many allergic reactions to the meds that it is standard to give
everyone benadryl, so I got really groggy :) I guess it helped me
relax for the rest of the treatment. The second pouch got started an
hour or so later and it was the anti-nausea meds that are supposed to
last for 5-7 days (yippee!) because they don't block the receptors in
your brain but they reverse them. I am really excited about this
because nausea seems to be my symptom to everything and so far (9:20
the following morning) I am still doing alright as far as nausea is
concerned! Then pouch three gets started and it is one of the actual
chemo drugs (taxol or something like that if any of you know your
meds) and this is the one that takes FOREVER! It is a 5 liter bag and
it has to drip into your vein whereas the other pouches were all much
smaller and could drip much much faster. So this pouch took at least
three hours. The final pouch was another chemo drug but I don't
remember its name and it was a small pouch that took only an hour or
so.
 
For those of you adding up all the hours you may still be surprised
when I tell you that I was the third patient to get there in the
morning and the last to leave (by a good 45 minutes). The wonderful
nurse, Jayme, was there all by herself because the second nurse called
in sick. She ran around taking care of all of us and unfortunately
that meant that even when my meds were done I had to wait a while
before the next got started. Jayme did wonderful though! For a good
chunk of the day she had all ten chairs filled and got us all drugged
up eventually! So, I finally got done at 6:10pm. It was a long day
sitting in a not so comfy chair with my arm forced to sit out straight
so as not to bend the IV. I also got to experiment with hospital food
(as if I haven't had it in a while) and was not real thrilled with it.
Then the nurse told me that the side effects of the drugs cause taste
changes and I will have a metallic taste in my mouth. Bummer. I
really like food but not so much the idea of eating metal.
 
So that was yesterday! Kind of a long post for a long day. There are
a few more things I wanted to mention though so people don't think
that I have suddenly become anti-social. They really drilled in the
risk of infection and how I need to stay as far away from germs and
infection as possible. So, I will be attending sacrament meeting but
I will not be shaking hands and I will need to take a step back from
anyone I talk to, not because you smell, but because we are all
carriers of things whether or not we feel sick and with my body not
producing the germ fighting agents at this point I need to be extra
careful. I will also try to do the same in Relief Society. If all
goes well I will only be missing every third Sunday (when my immune
system is at its lowest).
 
I wanted to say thank you again to all of the sweet women in my ward
that are taking care of me and my family. I can not even begin to
express the depth of my gratitude for all the kindnesses shown to me,
all the service performed for me and all the prayers offered on my
behalf. Thank you to all my ward family and the support you have
given. I even have a nicely cut lawn thanks to the young men! By
having the yard done in service my husband was able to have that time
to spend with me and I feel as though I never see him these days with
all my appointments and with him solely taking care of the kiddos once
he gets home. The service that has been given us has been so
inspired, thank you for listening to the spirit and serving us in ways
we didn't even know we needed.
 
I have gotten love notes from several sisters in the ward and I wanted
to take a moment to say thank you for them. My Chemo Survial Kit made
me laugh and cry. It was wonderful. Thank you. The love notes
definitely struck a cord for me. You are all such wonderful women and
it embarasses me to admit this but so many of you said that I am so
strong and I have to come clean with you. I am only strong because I
have an army of supporters behind me. Everything I am going through
would be so diffierent if I did not have so many supporters praying
for me and helping me through. Your notes were wonderful and I
brought them with me to chemo along with a picture of my family
(because I am sappy like that) and just holding them made me better.I
love you all!
~Rachelle

Oncologist Visit

After a very long day at the Provo Hospital (from 11 am to 6 pm to be
exact with a short break for lunch) I have been scheduled to start
Chemotherapy treatments this coming Friday May 4th. This has been the
tentative date for a while but I actually have an appointment time
now. So, 9:30 am this Friday I will start treatment. I can't say
that I am all that calm about it, I know doctors aren't the best at
assuring you when they are obligated to tell you that nothing is
guaranteed and that the statistics are yada, yada, yada. I was given
the basics of what to expect though and they are going to drug me up
with lots of anti-nausea meds since I seem to get queasy over just
about everything these days so hopefully that helps things go more
smoothly. Here is the breakdown.

My Chemo treatments will take five hours. The reason they are so long
is because a lot of the drugs need to be given individually so they
are done back to back. Not all chemo therapies are this long but the
specific drugs I am going to be on do take this long. So Friday is
going to be a long day and I don't know what I am going to do to keep
myself occupied. I wish I could say sleep but I don't think that will
work, I am going to be too nervous.

They say that days 2-5 are the hardest as far as fatigue and nausea
are concerned. Day one being the day I receive Chemo. Then days 7-14
are when my immune system will be at its lowest, that said I need to
be careful everyday to steer clear of any obvious situations where I
will be exposed to things because my body will not be able to cope.

Days 14 - 21 are the days where I start to rebound a bit but then on
day 21 I receive Chemo again and start the process over again. I will
be receiving anywhere from 3-6 treatments depending on what the board
discusses. I have a split decision as of now. My surgeon feels that 3
is perfect and that there is not a recognizable benefit to having six
whereas the oncologist that is giving me the treatments feels that if
I want to be as aggressive as possible I should do 6. It is hard to
know what to do when both doctors seem to be so knowledgeable so I am
going to hold out to make the decision until the board discusses it
and then I get 7-10 more doctors opinions on it.

Oh yeah and my hair will start falling out in about two weeks and will
most likely be completely gone by the end of May. No biggie. I just
don't want any one's jaws to drop in surprise when they see my
undoubtedly gorgeous egg shaped head for the first time! I know so
many of you will be envious but I will try to not rub it in too bad,
especially if you happen to be having a bad hair day!

That is the rundown as of now. I am hoping for the best as far as
symptoms go and have several numbers to call if I have a bad day.
Thank you for being so supportive and helping me and my family. I can
not even begin to express the gratitude I have for all the service
that has come my way. I honestly do not know how I could have
survived til now without the support of my family, friends and my ward
family. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

~Rachelle

Update

I am sorry that it has taken me so long to give any updates, I really
don't even know where to start. I have been home since Easter Sunday
now and I have been improving a little bit each day. It is hard
because I am still so far from where I want to be as far as getting
back into the normal routine of things. It may sound strange but I
really do miss chaning my baby's diaper and getting my kids ready for
school in the morning and to bed at night. I also really miss Relief
Society and being able to serve in my calling but I am hoping that
within another week or two I will be able to start resuming my normal
activities...at least until Chemo starts the beginning on May but I
will take that hurdle when it comes.
 
Thank you for all of you that have been praying for me and have been
helping my family while I have been recovering. We have been so
blessed by so many. Thank you for watching over us and helping us.

~Rachelle